
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/197155.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Hercules:_The_Legendary_Journeys
  Relationship:
      Hercules/Iolaus
  Character:
      Hercules, Iolaus
  Series:
      Part 2 of Fever_Dream
  Stats:
      Published: 2004-02-05 Words: 4188
****** Fever Dream 2 ******
by nephele
Summary
     Sequel to Fever Dream
     Probably being over-cautious with the archive warnings but better
     safe than sorry, right?
Most people think I’m brave. I’m not. It’s just that it’s so rare that anyone
or anything gets the better of me... It never occurs to me that I might lose.
That’s not bravery, it’s luck. Bravery is doing something even though you know
you may fail. I’m a coward.
I was going to talk to Iolaus the next time he woke up. I’d planned to confess
my new found feelings for him. I was excited, looking forward to it. Then he
did wake up and I lost my nerve. The moment our eyes met and I saw that his
were finally clear and lucid, I got scared. A thousand ‘what ifs’ ran through
my mind in that instant.
I wanted to ask him if he loved me. Instead, I asked if he was hungry. I wanted
to take him in my arms and kiss him until we were both gasping for breath. All
I did was help him sit up and give him some soup.
Coward.
The rest of the day crawled by. There just wasn’t anything much to do. Iolaus
got annoyed. he’s never been a good patient and my distractions didn’t help his
temper one bit. By the end of the day we were both snapping at each other. My
anger at myself caused me to go too far. I don’t remember exactly what I said
to him. I do know that I called him ungrateful and informed him that he wasn’t
worth the trouble. Not true, but that’s what I said.
The raw hurt in his eyes robbed me of my powers of speech. If only that had
happened a few minutes earlier! He stared at me for a moment, as shocked as I
was at my words. Then he fled, or tried to. He only got as far as the doorway
before I caught him. He pulled away, still trying to leave so I threw my arms
around him, hugging him tightly.
I kept whispering ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. I don’t think he heard me. He was
trying to get free. I had his arms trapped at his sides so he started kicking
me. Eventually my ‘sorries’ tuned into ‘stop its.’ He didn’t. If anything, his
struggles grew more frantic. At one point, his forehead connected sharply with
my chin causing me to bite my tongue pretty badly. I’m sure it was an accident
but at the time I wasn’t thinking to clearly. I threw him down onto our
blankets and dropped on top of him. I was straddling his hips. I’d kept his
arms pinned to his sides. My hands were on his shoulders pushing him hard
against the ground. We were both yelling but I have *no idea* what either of us
were saying.
All at once my anger just disappeared. I froze, noticing for the first time
what I was doing. I leapt up and backed away. At the time, I couldn’t figure
out how we’d ended up in that situation though I was pretty sure it was my
fault.
The exertion had been a bit too much for Iolaus. He *was* still sick. he
started coughing and couldn’t seem to stop. I was at his side in an instant. I
started rubbing his back in easy circular strokes, trying to calm him. He
finally got it under control and I passed him the water skin. After whispering
thanks, he took a careful sip. We sat in silence for a few moments, just trying
to calm down.
We both started talking at the same time. It made us laugh a bit. Then he
gestured for me to go first. I told him I was sorry and that I had no idea what
had come over me. He said that *he* knew why I was upset. He shouldn’t have
kissed me and he hadn’t meant to. He went on to say he hoped I could just
forget about it and we’d go back to normal but he’d understand if I didn’t want
him around anymore.
His heart was breaking. I could see it happening. See what cowardice gets you?
You not only hurt yourself but everyone around you as well.
He had more to say, more self-recriminations and apologies. I stopped his words
with a kiss. He looked so stunned, it was all I could do not to laugh. Somehow
I didn’t think he’d have taken it well if I had.
After a moment he seemed to shake himself out of his shock. He pulled me in for
another kiss. He’s ... good at kissing. That wasn’t a surprise, really. I’d
seen him in action before but this was the first time I’d been on the receiving
end. I’m no poet. I can’t describe it adequately. It was a revelation.
Unfortunately it ended abruptly when he was hit by another coughing fit.
I held him until he stopped, once again rubbing his back. When his cough
quieted again I tucked him into the blankets and set about making some more
tea. I knew he was feeling better when he complained about the taste and I
couldn’t hide my smile. He asked what was so funny. I told him I loved him. He
said he loved me too and snuggled against me to sleep.
Life is good.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
I decided to spend one more day in the ruins. Iolaus' cough had me nervous. I
wanted him to rest. He grumbled about it but his complaints lacked any real
feeling.
We were at that awkward stage. We knew our relationship was changing and we
both welcomed the change. Neither of us was sure how much or how quickly it was
changing. I've never been very good at talking about my feelings and Iolaus is
more inclined to crack jokes. Sometimes though, he can be serious, certainly
more often than I am. So it was kind of surprising that I was the one that
started the discussion.
It was so strange. I've never talked about this sort of thing with someone I
knew so well before. Actually, I'd never really had a conversation like this at
all. Never before have I needed to ask someone what his 'intentions' were. We
joked a lot but eventually we worked through it all.
He loved me. Well, I knew that by now. What I mean is, he was *in* love with
me. He wanted to be my lover. He caviled a bit when I asked him how long he'd
felt like that. I never did get a straight answer out of him but it had been
quite a while apparently, years in fact. I was amazed. He'd hidden it so well,
or maybe I was just too clueless to notice. Probably a bit of both. So, we
established that we both felt the same way. Now all we had to do was figure out
what we wanted to do about it.
That sounds stupid. We wanted to be lovers so we should just do it, right? It
really was a bit more complicated. I'd never known of Iolaus being with another
man and my own experiences were long ago and not a good model to build on
anyway. I couldn't bring myself to ask him anything specific. I kept dancing
around things. I don't remember a time when I've felt more awkward.
Fortunately, Iolaus came to my rescue. He's the brave one of us two, no doubt
about it. He told me that he was experienced and could teach me if I wanted.
Obviously I am clueless. How did I miss noticing? I decided to ask instead of
wondering this time.
He'd been very careful it seemed. He had been so sure that I would be disgusted
by his activities. He'd gone to great lengths to make sure I didn't find out. I
kind of got the feeling that a few of his past encounters were unpleasant. When
I suggested that, he denied it but it was a case of protesting too much. I kept
pushing him. Finally, he asked me to just drop it. He looked so sad and weary
but there was one more thing I had to say. I apologized first. Then I explained
why I wanted to know. I was afraid of hurting him. Not emotionally, I 'd
already done that. No, I was worried about hurting him physically.
That surprised him. He was quick to reassure me though. He said he knew I'd
never hurt him deliberately and promised to tell me if I did so accidentally.
Then he asked why I was so worried.
I told him. I'd never told anyone about Hylas before. The first man, well boy
really, that I'd fallen in love with. He was beautiful. Dark where Iolaus is
fair but just as energetic. I think I fell in love with him the moment I saw
him. Gods, we were both so young. He was fourteen. I was older but only by
about a year. Like teenagers everywhere, we thought we knew everything. And
like so many other teenagers, we found out the hard way just how wrong we were.
We'd been fooling around right from the start, touching each other, that sort
of thing. Nothing too heavy, just fun. Did I mention that he was my first
lover? I was his too.
I loved touching him. I'd never had such intimate contact with another's body
before. I was fascinated by all the little differences and similarities between
us. I wanted to memorize every inch of him. I had it bad. I suppose that's why
I got so carried away that last time.
It all started with a war or rather, the end of one. There were small bands of
soldiers passing through daily, veterans returning home. Hylas and I found this
great spot near a window of the tavern. We could hear everything and unlike the
times we'd tried to sit inside, no one bothered driving us off. Whenever we
could, we used to sneak off to listen to their stories.
On this occasion, those inside fell to talking about their sexual conquests.
They did a lot of lying but in our youth, we didn't realize that.
One of the soldiers started telling a story. He was with a small scouting
party. They had been out on their own for a while when they came upon a youth
out setting snares. I know now that what he described next was rape but he made
it sound like a seduction. I was too naive to know the difference. He went in
to some depth but he was describing a conquest not teaching a class on
lovemaking. He left out some very important details. He went on at length about
how much the boy had loved it, screaming out his pleasures. I was only fifteen
and I'd led a sheltered life for the most part. That's not an excuse, just an
explanation. Now I know that poor young man was screaming for an entirely
different reason.
Hylas and I had both gotten pretty hot listening to those stories. We decided
to sneak away to our favorite hideout and let off a little steam. Everything
was fine at first. We just did what we usually did. I couldn't get that
soldier's words out of my head though. His description of how wonderful it felt
to be buried to the hilt in that boy's ass had me enflamed. I *had* to try it.
To my eternal shame, I didn't even ask Hylas if it was okay. I just turned him
over and with all the grace and patience of a teenager forced my way in. It did
feel good, amazing, and Hylas screamed. If I thought at all, and I'm not sure I
did, I probably took his sounds as screams of joy. It felt so fantastic from my
side. It never even crossed my mind that he might feel differently.
It was over pretty quickly. I worked myself to orgasm in only a few strokes.
And what an orgasm! I pulled free and collapsed on my back. I finally looked at
him then. The sated smile I wore faded when I saw his tears. His face was
twisted into an expression of anger, grief and betrayal. I reached for him,
intending to ask what was wrong but he flinched away. He was on his feet an
instant later, running off into the forest. I called after him but if he heard
me, he didn't answer.
It wasn't until after he'd left that I noticed the blood.
I spent the rest of the day and most of the night searching for him. I couldn't
find any traces. He might as well have been snatched up by a nymph or
something. I went home and slept for a few hours but was back out searching by
first light. I told anyone who asked that we'd had a fight and I'd accidentally
hurt him. That was as close to the truth as I dared get. I continued searching
for days. Any traveler who passed through was questioned thoroughly. Nothing
came of it.
I never saw Hylas again. To this day I don’t know what happened to him after he
left our clearing. I hope he found a good life and a lover who treats him as he
deserves. On my darker days, I think perhaps he bled to death and left his
bones in some secluded part of the forest.
I never again took a male lover.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Iolaus was silent for a long time after I'd finished my story. He just held me
tight and stroked my hair soothingly. I couldn't take the suspense. I begged
him to say something, anything. He shushed me and said everything was all
right. He just didn't know what to say. He said he wished he could take the
pain away but knew he couldn't. All the while he kept holding me, trying to
comfort me. I let him.
We fell asleep that way. My dreams were full of Hylas and our last day
together. Sometimes, when I looked up at the end, it was Iolaus' face I saw.
Each time the dream woke me, I'd find him murmuring softly and stroking me in a
calming manner. Eventually I fell into a dreamless sleep.
The next morning I tried to go back to normal. This was the day we'd decided to
get back out on the road. After a quick breakfast, we started gathering our
things together. It didn't take long despite the fact that I'd decided to hang
on to the blankets and one or two other things. We were on our way about an
hour after dawn.
The day passed normally enough. I set an easy pace not wanting Iolaus to push
himself too much. I know him too well. He'd collapse in exhaustion before he
admitted he needed to rest. As I said, it was a normal day. Normal for us
lately means getting ambushed at some point. This day was no exception. They
were just you average band of cutthroats. They demanded our money. Iolaus
suggested that if they surrendered now, no one would get hurt. They responded
by attacking.
It didn't take long. They ended up fleeing and I decide to let them. Once they
were gone. Iolaus had another little coughing fit but it wasn't as bad as the
previous ones.
That was the only incident. The rest of our journey was blissfully bandit free.
When we settled down for the night, I fussed a bit. Iolaus complained
naturally, calling me a mother hen. When I explained that I was just worried
that he wouldn't be warm enough, he invited me to keep him warm. He wore such a
ridiculous leering expression when he said that. I couldn't help laughing. He
acted insulted at my reaction, so I tried apologizing. He refused to accept
that and... Well it all got pretty silly. Before long we were lying side by
side laughing uncontrollably.
Then, it was the strangest thing, we were laughing and we looked at each other.
Suddenly we were both completely serious. I felt this overwhelming desire, need
sweep through me. It was frightening in its intensity. I'd never felt anything
like it before. I still don't remember who made the first move. We were in each
other's arms and I was kissing him as though my life depended on it. If someone
had ask me just then, I'd have said it did. Iolaus was giving as good as he
got. We didn't break apart until we were both faint with lack of air. Iolaus
recovered a little faster than I did. Even so, all he managed to say was 'wow'.
I could only nod in agreement.
The fear surface again. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, me hurting him,
someone else hurting him to get to me or even him hurting me somehow. I still
don't really know. It's probably a combination of all those things. Whatever,
in that moment it overwhelmed me and I knew I had to get some distance between
us fast. Hurt him a little to avoid hurting him a lot, or to keep him from
hurting me. I pulled away, looked him right in the eye and told him I'd have to
find myself a woman in the village we got to.
He just stared at me for a moment. He was probably trying to figure out if I
was joking or not. Then I saw all the light and joy fade from his eyes. Just
like that, I'd destroyed it. Gods, what was I thinking? That's a rhetorical
question. I *know* what I was thinking. I needed to protect myself at any cost.
When Hera killed my family it almost destroyed me. Serena's murder was nearly
as painful. Yeah, I said nearly. I did love her, I did. It's just that
Deianeira and I had more time together and of course there were our children.
The loss was understandably greater.
That's what had me so scared. I'd known Iolaus longer than either of my wives
and the feelings I’d discovered for him were stronger. I finally understood
what people meant when they talked about 'soul-mates'. How could I ever survive
if I lost him? I couldn't. In the twisted logic of m mind, I figured it was
better to drive him away now than risk really losing him later. So...
Once Iolaus realized I wasn't just teasing, he muttered something like 'me too'
and rolled over. He settled facing away from me and pretended to fall asleep. I
doubt he slept much that night. I know I didn't. I spent the time arguing with
myself. I was angry with myself for hurting him like that. That was countered
by the argument that this was better than Hera or Ares killing him later. But,
my honest side pointed out; they'd already tried and in Hera's case, succeeded
in killing him. How did this really change things? Iolaus had always been a
target. If I drove him away then I wouldn't even be able to protect him, not
that my protection had proven very good so far.
Dawn broke while my internal debate continued. Iolaus hadn't moved an inch all
night. We broke our fast in silence, neither of us eating much. As soon as we'd
finished, we packed up and got back out on the road. The silence quickly became
oppressive. He wouldn't look at me. Most of the time, he wouldn't even walk
next to me. He trailed behind. I had to keep looking back to make sure he was
still there.
I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much, for both of us.
Iolaus was behind me again so I just stopped and waited for him to catch up. I
think he would have just continued past me and on down the road if I hadn't put
out a hand to stop him. Even then, he just stood in wounded silence waiting for
me to let go. I told him we needed to talk. For the first time that day, he
looked at me. He looked so tired, defeated. I felt a sharp pang of guilt at the
sight.
I made my decision right then. I knew I couldn’t drive him away completely. I
wasn’t that strong. We couldn't continue like this either, both miserable. I'd
have to do something really brave and risk being happy.
I told him I was sorry and pulled him in for a hug. He stood stiffly in my arms
at first so I kept talking, telling him I hadn't meant what I'd said about
needing a woman. I admitted that I'd been scared and explained why. Gradually
as I spoke, he relaxed and I felt his arms come up to circle my waist.
We stood that way for quite a while, just holding each other. Finally Iolaus
pulled back to look at me. He studied my face carefully. I guess he was
satisfied with what he saw there because he said he forgave me. He also said
that this was the last time. I'd hurt him pretty badly and he told me that if I
pushed him away again, he'd go. This was my last chance.
I just nodded, accepting his terms. I told him I loved him then I kissed him.
It wasn’t simple, that kiss. It was the opening maneuver in a campaign of
seduction. I really had made up my mind at last. Iolaus was mine and I was his.
It was time to prove it.
Make no mistake, I was still afraid. Afraid of my need for him and the
vulnerable position that put me in and afraid that I might hurt him like I did
Hylas. Balanced against all that was an even greater fear, the fear of losing
him. I couldn't... I just couldn't.
We made love for the first time that day.
I led him off the road and found a suitably secluded spot. Not that there'd
been much traffic but why risk it? I sat down drawing him down with me. Neither
of us spoke. I started just touching him, exploring his face like a blind man.
Iolaus answered with caresses of his own. He had this incredulous look on his
face like he couldn't believe he was being allowed to touch me.
I know he'd told me he'd wanted me quite some time. It wasn't until that moment
that I really believed it in my heart. I felt guilty again. I mean, what right
did *I* have to doubt *his* sincerity? He wasn't the one who kept trying to
back down from this.
He must have read the look in my eyes because he kissed me gently and told me
that it was all in the past. We were starting fresh now and nothing else
mattered. I wanted to believe him. I knew I could never completely let go of
the past but I'd do my best, for him.
I let him take the lead in our love making that day. I needed to be passive, to
lay Hylas' ghost to rest. I think Iolaus understood. It was better than
anything I'd imagined. I never honestly expected it to be as satisfying as sex
with a woman. Boy, was I wrong. Iolaus wasn't kidding when he said he was
experienced. I have to admit I was pretty jealous when I realized just how
experienced he really was.
I'd finally learned that bottling up my feelings didn't do either of us any
good. So later that evening, I told Iolaus about my jealousy. It was the right
thing to do. Yeah, I finally did something right. I guess there's hope for me.
He was glad I'd confessed and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry
about. He admitted to being promiscuous in the past but only because he
couldn’t have the one he really wanted. He said it took lots of ordinary people
to get his mind off me. I laughed at that. He pretended to be offended but
wound up laughing with me.
All in all, it was a wonderful experience. We took things nice and slow. Iolaus
displayed a tenderness I hadn't seen since he lost his son. I was able to put
aside my fears and enjoy being cherished by my friend turned lover.
Since then things have gone pretty well. We're not always so gentle with each
other now, sometimes, but no always. When our blood is up, after a fight for
instance, our lovemaking is almost violent. I couldn't do that at first but he
taught me to let go. He needs it that way sometimes. I can finally admit that I
do too. We still argue at times. I'm still bossy when I think I'm right. He's
still reckless. I'll never stop being overprotective. Iolaus will never stop
flirting. But it's okay because I know he loves me and I hope he knows I love
him too.
I think I'll go tell him again, just in case.
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